Apocalypse and the RV park

For the second time I was at the northern rv camp and storage. On the same bus as last time. The bus is like an old tour bus but 3 times the size, with small med bays divided by curtains for the sleeping quarters. It must have been a medical unit for military services. This a time we had 2 young boys and 2 women with us. We were visiting another newfound relation of mine. He was retired Air Force. Trying to understand our connection. Along the way we had to fight some imperial troops. I say imperial troops because they looked like they were out of a Star Wars movie. They had posts outside the town. Keeping their presence known. It was another word/dimension . Similar things and ideals, but a very oppressive state. It was in what would be Utah here. There it was called Carlo. I was amazed at how so much was similar. Currency format, transportation, services , etc.

The people traveling with us were refugees who we were helping get to a sanctuary. they women were nervous and trying to help as much as they could. They were very tired and obviously still sad for whatever their reasons for seeking sanctuary. The boys were nervous and hid a lot. One was constantly in the toilet. The camp we stopped at was very helpful. They were a frequent stop for groups like us. The world while its advanced technologies were great, its people and politics were extremely varied. All the middle of the road type of people we have here didn’t exist there. It was very odd feeling. However after the collapse of the previous government and the clearly divided people, at least there was a clearer picture of what needed to be done.

Who left the door unlocked?

Being sick is no fun. In no way does anyone ever say “this flu was such a wonderful experience.” It wears you down physically and emotionally. It’s especially hard for those who have to be guarded all the time. Not like inmates, but someone who needs to be vigilant all the time. That’s what it was like with me recently. It left me “carjacked” and I have no idea what was done or said.

Being someone who deals with other energy is hard. You always feel the need to be guarded. Shielding against emotional assault from others is something that is very important for empaths. Being a medium with that is even more work. It’s making sure you protect yourself but others as well. Last week after a long feverish day, I lost a stretch of time. When I get sick and tired I tend to still be cognizant of what’s going on around me. A was up from 1 am the previous night with a fever that stayed between 101 and 103 Fahrenheit until around 5pm. I remember it being around 6 pm and being bored so I grabbed my guitar. I started playing some dropkick Murphy’s songs. I felt strange and all of a sudden it’s 4 am and I’m waking up in my bed. I’m strapped into my CPAP machine and undressed under the comforter. I was beyond confused. I felt like I was hungover but I don’t recall having a drink. I wouldn’t have been drinking being as ill as I was. No more that a shot of whiskey to take an edge off to go to sleep. There’s no way I got blackout drunk, but it felt like I did.

I was dreaming of a past that was long gone by. In a fishing village off the sea. A bitter cold damp evening. Feeling loss of a child. That dream rang through my mind for a few days after. It triggered an emotional collapse I haven’t felt in a long time.

Later I got a message that appeared to be a reply to a group text, but the previous parts of the text were gone. It made me wonder what had I been up to? Was it me? I don’t believe it was. I’m certain that I was taken over for a short time by some spirit that was not mine. Someone who was looking for answers or some kind of order to their condition. Nobody seemed to notice I was not here. I have no idea what was said or done. It’s a scary feeling when you realize you’re not in control. I don’t want to worry friends to ask what I may or may not have said. Sure they may understand channeling a spirit, but would probably be concerned about the loss of memory or control. It’s already hard to try to explain why I don’t do large gatherings on magical events like drum circles etc. I sometimes channel things that don’t have limits or understanding of this forms rules. Sometimes it’s not a human spirit. I sometimes doubt it’s even terrestrial.

After a few days had gone by, I started feeling more myself. Whoever was using me as an air bnb left a residual feeling that had me feeling cold and wet for days. Soon I was back to my regular agitation and frustrated ball of boredom. I know going out for a walk in the woods would have brought me more comfort, but with being sick, the cold air does a number to my lungs. No idea if it is COVID but it’s had me coughing and unable to get a breath. So I stay in bed, drink my tea and rest. Hopefully nobody else decide to take a joy ride. I’ve taken precautions and set up some wards to help.

Broken glass

Today I screamed at the sky. I poured myself out on the field of dead grass. My heart bled for so many losses. It’s more than one can bare. I swear I could cut out my heart and leave it there on the ground. It serves no purpose but to ache anymore. My eyes burn from all the tears I’ve shed. I try to sing and all I do is vomit decades of pain and resentment. Cursed for missed opportunities and chances not taken. My legs can’t hold me any longer. My back broke and frozen. All I want is 5 minutes to feel nothing more. While this gift is supposed to bring light, today it’s just the dark. Take it from me. Let someone else carry this burden for a while. I’m just going to lay here for a while and try to sleep.

Broken glass

Today I screamed at the sky. I poured myself out on the field of dead grass. My heart bled for so many losses. It’s more than one can bare. I swear I could cut out my heart and leave it there on the ground. It serves no purpose but to ache anymore. My eyes burn from all the tears I’ve shed. I try to sing and all I do is vomit decades of pain and resentment. Cursed for missed opportunities and chances not taken. My legs can’t hold me any longer. My back broke and frozen. All I want is 5 minutes to feel nothing more. While this gift is supposed to bring light, today it’s just the dark. Take it from me. Let someone else carry this burden for a while. I’m just going to lay here for a while and try to sleep.

Wet stars in the sky

Tonight ringing in my ears are the songs of sea faring men. Call to keep in time, and move with the sea. Lifting spirits to the sun on a damp day at sea. The smell of soup and ale fill my nostrils. salt of the Briney sea cakes the edges of my boot cuffs. We landed a whale the other day, so there’s lots of meat and oil for warm festivities. The men are all drunk even though the rain still pours, there’s no concern for the evening. The crow in the nest is sober and watching hardy. He owes the crew a vigilant night for saving his ass at port. He caused more than enough trouble with the locals. The captain had to work hard to ease their hearts that we were leaving at Dawn’s break. Daft bastard has a way with the lassies, but needs to to watch his fucking oiled silver tongue.

2 bells toll from the deck. Best see what the captain needs.

Crumbling towers

Days going by and as the time passes it leaves a trail. It’s a trail of dust and DNA. More of me falls away. Eventually mountains fall to the constant tide of the sea. My body feels the strain more every day. Body crumbles and eyesight fails, but I still see the toll of winter. The past travels further away and fear of letting it go becomes overwhelming. You feel if you let it go, then it’s gone forever. The problem with carrying all of those memories is that they become heavy. Time changes everything and nothing all at once. Time is only hard for me to deal with in linear thought. I bounce through time easily but with this life, trying to put a measurement of time between events makes me go into a panic attack. I wonder how long into my next revolution it takes before I recognize this time is happening and happened already? What does my head in still is the idea that these are all happening simultaneously. These lives, are all bleeding into each other. Is the next step becoming more? You hear people talk of ascended thought or higher frequency thinking, but what if the thread that holds the limits fall away completely? Do we become a god? I already believe we are gods. We are limited only by our self imposed limits of thought. So how is it that we try so hard to hold onto what we already had and have no further need for? We are becoming gods, but we want to bring along all this baggage? I fight with this thought every day. Maybe it’s just time to throw “normal” ideas of what is and what should be out the window. Move on and yell at the light poles and ignore the onlookers who think you’re the crazy one.

Broken clocks on broken walls

Each time I close my eyes, my life changes. Manifestations of a world that is yet to come, but has already gone. Lost in the time stream, I struggle a little to find my footing each day. Each time stream shares echos of another. Fear of closing my eyes becomes a real battle. Like a beast lurking in the shadows. Waiting in the corners of my mind waiting to pounce when you least expect it. This is my cycle. This is what happens every few weeks. When it’s time to be awake, it’s life on repeat. Days wasted. Like I’m imprisoned, I want to do so much more but am confined to my little space. It really takes a toll on mental health. Stress and anxiety tend to turn to depression. Sometimes keeping the light on just feels like too much work.

One breath.

One step.


You can do this.

The candle is getting shorter. Is it time to light another?

Observation of the day. The vent!

I have never wanted to move far away before, but lately it’s just like I can’t find a place far enough away. The sheets stupid, or just plain ignorant people here astounds me. Even those who I thought would fare better have left me scratching my head. It’s strange to find yourself dismissed just as fast as you were accepted. I’m not whining about feeling ignored, but just noticing that people are making sharp lines and grey has faded to either black or white. With that change, there is a fast push for instant gratification. We used to have it easily, but even the smartest and strongest are falling to a selfish longing for a return to “normal”. People complain about control and censorship. They complain of lost rights. Not one of them think about anyone other than themselves with this mindset. If the country shut down and forced everyone to stay home for 30-60 days consecutively with strict quarantine measures, the pandemic would have been over by now. We would be back to the way things were already. So to those complaining about this virus and the bullshit we’ve been dealing with, FUCK YOU! It’s your own damn fault. Everyone keeps needing to go out etc. I swear I have tried to be patient and understanding, but I’m done. I have no sympathy for your dumb ass.

Wisdom on deaf ears will bring a faster death to the wise.

Some days it’s just like talking to yourself or beating your head against the wall. You keep repeating yourself like a broken record. You repeat yourself over and over but no one listens and they say that you’re the one who’s being argumentative. When do you just give up? Do you just give up? the truth is, that no matter how true your words are they will never listen. So should you feel bad when they ignore you and what you said would happen happens? No! They just need to find out for themselves. So save your breath. You only have so many in this life.

Fanning the flames from the grinding axe.

So I still see the same theme in my dreams. A land divided, with no more reasoning and ignorance from both sides. Its not that I believe we can stop any drastic action from happening, but instead I hope to prepare those who are fearing the inevitable clash that is not going to settle anytime soon. The rift between the 2 sides of this fight refuse to yield any ground. They feel that they have already given too many allowances and are done giving anymore. Those who are in the middle and just want to live their lives in peace are stuck. They are constantly getting pulled in two directions that they don’t want to go. The friends and family that have “chosen a side” are always trying to pull them to their cause. Now more people are losing the balanced thought process that allows them to understand and negotiate a resolution, which is causing a larger rift in our current society. the ones who are still in the middle are getting caught up in the crossfire. I hear from so many who are saying how they feel there circle of friends and family are getting smaller. You would think this is a feeling we are facing due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but is from them having to separate themselves from the extremist views of both sides. The problem is perpetuated further because of the pandemic, but its not the root of the problem. We are losing, as a society the art of negotiation and communication. While the world is smaller thanks to technology, it has lost the connection from empathy.

All forms of media, including this platform I am using are separating the essential empathetic connection. People are emotive beings. while we can write words in a sequence to communicate a message, words on a medium do not emote. They can if you take time to write descriptors, but in an age of tweets and general laziness and impatience, nobody feels they have time for that. They cut it out of the communication as it is inessential to what they think the message is. People like myself cant read emotion. We can read the words you are saying, and understand a message, but we cant understand it without the key translator. that is the way you speak. Your body language, eye movements, breaths between words, and tone are completely missing from the dialogue. People may understand me better as I type out my thoughts, because I can say what I am feeling and have time to explain myself in a form that gives a picture that they miss when I speak face to face. This is because in person I am very empathic and tend to say things without the filter of time to process the better grammar formation that may say the same thing in a less abrasive way. So many think I am angry or insensitive, but its quite the opposite. I am a highly sensitive empath on top of the ASD as well as processing dimensional energy and echoes of other lives in all forms. I seem to many like I am a bit of a weirdo, spaz, or whatever other pejoratives you may use to describe someone like me. What this does is separates the feeling from the words. So in my case this is serving my feelings clearer because my overloaded emotive process is filtered down to the words I want to say. However the majority of the population arent like me. You cant understand that the emotion you feel when you read the words are your own. If you are reading something after a bad day at work or a frustrating incident, you’re going to be preprogrammed to process the words you read with that emotion. The same goes for the other feelings of love, or joy, sadness etc. no matter what you read, you process it with that emotion. So take a moment to think about what that does when you are on social media. Small tweet size messages from all sorts of different people, expressing their feelings or whatever. one after another. Memes, and other modern forms of artful communication are now added to the mix. Who is to know what that makes the communicator feel, so how is anyone else who has no experience with that image or situation will be able to process it? Now this is where the Pandemic has exacerbated the situation. More are stuck at home with our brains now trying to fill the time we used to have out socializing with some way to entertain ourselves. 25 – 30 years ago this was less likely. We weren’t addicted to the fast forms of streaming media entertainment and digital firing of our synapses. Instead we did things more active. Things that required physical interaction more that typing on a keypad. For me this is also exacerbated by a physical disability and other drastic health issues related to my Autoimmune disease. So while I want to do more, I am limited, but our children have become so steeped in this generation of tech, and feel that it is essential to life. everyone is becoming slaves to a machine driven by algorithms. we sign on to these media platforms and agree to their EULA (End User License Agreement) which gives them access to everything we do. Our feeds get filled with stuff that they want to sell, marketed in such a way to manipulate your choices by your browsing habits. Further you get pushed to decide, each decision gets less your own and more the choice you’re presented with. they use those choices to try to guide you into a category. This same process is used by politics. Special interest groups and political parties, use this same algorithm to help them swing you to their side. This is proven by this years presidential election for the United Sates of America. Republicans and Democrats alike are not here for anything other than the special interests of those who pay their campaigns. Both Parties have found ways to keep third parties out of the political field. No matter what they are still a part of the same machine. This election used fear and divisiveness to get the American voters to their side. The Democrats steal the votes from parties like the libertarian party by using messages like “don’t waste your vote on a candidate who has no chance of winning.” This works really well when you have a president who has been in office who is clearly incompetent and a privileged fascist. The Libertarians’ didn’t have a chance in this election just because nobody wanted to gamble. Those who would have voted for them but understood we could not have another four years of a trump driven government. Now this is the same for those who are semi conservative, but don’t vote. The republican party uses the fear tactic to push them out to vote. We had a record election voter turnout. Both parties leaders earned over 70 million votes each! Now that the loser of the election cant overturn the election, the media stirs the divisiveness even further. They push their ratings agenda to cause fear that someone is getting one over on the people. regardless of political party. all of this generates money etc. the one thing it also generates is resentment. Resentment on all sides. These politicians have used these tactics and stirred the pot giving a whiff to those who are poor and hungry for a piece of what they got. The security and comfort their money brings the upper class looks really good to the middle and lower class. Now like dogs we are hungry and agitated. instead of taking up arms for the ones who cause this very strong feeling of oppression, they keep the messages of fear to control their followers. some try to assure the rest that its all in control, but all they are controlling is you. Now like a dog fight, they are getting ready to release the dogs in the ring to get rich off of our blood spilled. It feels like its inescapable, but its not.

We still need to social distance. We need to wear our PPE (Personal Protective Equipment), but we need to talk to each other instead of fear each other. When I say talk I don’t mean regurgitate the bullshit fed to us online. I mean saying “Hello” and “How are you?” Check in with your friends and neighbors. Make sure they are ok or communicate if you need assistance. that small local communication on top of the separation from media, will start to build that bridge between us. I acknowledge that people like me who are further distanced due to health issues, are more Affected by this predicament. However, if we all take that time to do this we can become a great united country again. Stop waiving political flags. Put aside politics and focus on your community. When we put our focus on the big picture only, we have no chance of making change. by making the focus on the whole country, the smaller communities get left behind. This is what allows the big money, and big business keep our country from making huge changes. I’m not ignorant. I understand there are town councils and county boards and state officials, but ultimately once you get out of the local town level, everything becomes driven by the big money motivators.

2020 has been the perfect storm to push this unrest into a possible fight for a permanent or long term control by big money. We are all so blinded by the smoke and loud noise, that we cant do anything other than react. I See more people everyday losing their middle ground. Everyday more pick a side. I really think that there needs to be less picking between column A or column B, and instead tell them what we need. Instead of waiting for them to fix our problem, lets work together to remedy it. By keeping the lower classes hungry, they keep us reliant upon them. Imagine what happens when we work together to lift each other up. Everyone prospers instead of just the few. We stand strong on our own, the country stands stronger. I was happy to see so many got out to vote. I am glad everyone sees the importance of having a voice. I just more would use that voice to say what they need instead of what they’re told they need. So while social media is a great tool, it needs to be recognized its nothing more than a way to advertise. Its not news. its not good for anything other than making the ones who control it, money. The news needs to be used for a measuring stick, instead of gospel because lets face it, its there for making profit. Opinion polls are just algorithm tools. A better measure of success is to see if you and your neighbors are happy and healthy at home. If they are struggling while you’re prospering or vice versa, it means there is something unstable and imbalanced. This will ultimately cause the prosperity to dwindle. for a community to thrive, everyone must thrive in that community. So use your front porch as the measure of success. Forget the big money grabbing greedy hoarders. They will wither and fall away, allowing the top heavy country become more secure and stable.

You can only change the world if you start in your own backyard.