Everyday it gets worse. My inability to deal with the mass stupidity that is Americans and their “right to freedom.” I have seen the mass movement of ignorance and stupidity waving as proud as they wave flags of fascist leaders and racist confederacy. Still to this day it is the sounding horn of there battle cry. My only response is to tell them to take their freedom guns, shove them up their asses and pull the trigger. The only way to end their spread of ignorance and hatred is to remove them completely. They don’t care about anyone else’s rights but theirs. You can’t educate someone who doesn’t want to learn. So the only thing to remove the tyranny that is fascism and racism, is death. Treat it as you would a rabid animal. There comes a point where you have to put ol’ yeller down. It’s for the safety of everyone else. On that same idea of balance though, we need to watch the ones who have their heads shoved so deep up their ass in a yoga pose that they think will make the world a better place if we believe in more fantasy and fiction. This mentality is just as dangerous.
It seems that no matter the instance, nobody takes any responsibility for their actions. Nobody wants to give a healthy dose of common sense. It’s all gone. We as humans are failing ourselves at a faster rate each day. It’s all about what gets likes or makes you the new standard of special. Why can’t you just be happy for what you have and not care about what others think? I know I’m flawed with my own intolerances, but I acknowledge them and work to do better. I no longer see that anymore. News is just more click bait for reality tv and advertising money. Every time you turn on the tv, you find yourself questioning if you’re watching a fictional show or news? You can’t tell the difference. Our lives are just a meme or a sound byte. We have completely invalidated our own existence. All we have to do to see what happened to the world to make it such a shit hole, is look in a mirror.
Sure I’m on a rant. When am I not anymore? I just seriously can not see the point of this world. I used to have hope for people. Now things have changed so much that I can’t find any light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve removed all social media from my phone, and I hide in my room. This is not healthy for me, but it’s far healthier for everyone else.
Rehydrating leathery dried skin, looks like a gelatinous mess. I saw last night as long dead giants had been resurrected after being found in the sea. They were dead and were dried up mummies that were found nearly a century before and were being transported back to the land of giants. The ship fell to a mighty storm and all were perished.
Now being found again, their remains were brought upon our shores by a cargo ship after a large flash appeared beneath the deep sea. The giant boxes of remains floated back to the surface. After they landed at port one of them suddenly reanimated and was returning to life. There were 2 one was obviously younger than the other. A mind of a child. Lost and confused, he hid in an old garage missing its mother. it hid and cried because everyone and everything they knew was gone.
It was found by some kids who tried to help them feel better. They were going to look out for them as if they were another sibling in the family. When they told their parents, their mom was overjoyed and proud of them for being so kind, but their father was unsure and stayed distant.
More strange events would start happening, as deserts started becoming lush green forests, and hot swampy towns became icy frozen wastelands. Rains fell and the seas rose. Cities along the coasts started falling below the waters.
While this went on, the family kept reassuring their new found sibling that everything will be ok.
As catastrophic anomalies wreak havoc on earths gravitational force and atmosphere, our lives become endangered. A drastic gamble is made and life has to start anew on a new planet that is stable, but with a stronger gravitational pull. Everyone is now twice as heavy. People who were overweight already are now plagued with overwhelming pain and find it too difficult to move, while the healthy ones now notice the extreme differences of trying to carry extra weight. As people struggle with this, there is a new hunger that plagues them. Nobody had the time to test the effects of this new planet. Now it’s too late, and they have to figure out their next steps while managing to stay alive with new appetites that turned so many into monsters. They had only seen in movies. On top of it, the harbingers called screamers that brought the doom of the previous planet are already showing up here. The glowing white orbs that used to be called wisps soar around making a high pitched noise that sounds like a high pitch scream. The screaming seems to trigger those who are borderline with the overwhelming hunger and frustration to snap instantly to the new ferocious monsters we become.
Driving in a small pickup, radio playing rock music that’s got overwhelming feelings coursing through her body. Happy, sad, strong, and weak all at once. She sings along “every time I’m falling down, every time I fall to pieces!” She’s happy in the memory but feels deeply they’re absence. She drives along the river, as her years fall down her face. What she would give to feel like that again. With them. She pulls off the road to a small clearing by the riverside between some trees. There’s ducks and gulls in the water. A gentle breeze wisps through the air. She takes a deep breath and walks to the water slipping her shoes off as she goes. There’s nobody with her, but she feels their presence. She closes her eyes as her feet hit the water. The smell of the river fills her nostrils. She knows she only has an empty place to go home to. She wonders how she can feel so depressed while in such a beautiful spot with perfect weather? She tried calling out, but no response comes.
About a half hour goes by, before she heads back to the truck. She’s going to go to the Dairy Queen and get some French fries and a sundae where she will sit and eat outside at the stone table. Dipping her fries in her ice cream, she feels the hold to this space let go of her. She doesn’t finish her food but gets up and throwing it in the trash, she decides the night needs some alcohol. She gets a bottle of vodka and a pack of smokes on her way home.
Sitting in the tub she drops the now empty bottle of vodka on the floor. She feels the quick sharp bites and lays back in the tub watching the water swirl it’s pinkish swirls. She thinks to herself “I’m so tired, I’m just going to go to sleep”
This morning I again started yelling out what I thought was gibberish. I relate it to a Tourette’s kind of outburst. I have what is an uncontrolled physical tic, followed by a vocal outburst of vocal articulation. but instead of noises or just curse words it’s articulated words. None I understand. I started running an audio recorder to capture it.
So far we’ve figured out a few of them. Afrikaans, French/creole, Italian, Portuguese, Navajo/Diné, Dakota, Russian, Icelandic, Gaelic, and this morning was the first time I ever heard Esperanto as I was yelling it in the car. Repeatedly I kept yelling the phrase esti mortanto. I have a neurodivergent mind. I’ve been diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder and have been a psychic medium all my life. Able to see and hear things others can’t all my life has caused me to be looked at as odd. My parents just said I was over dramatic with an active imagination, yet tell stories of me predicting unannounced visitors etc.
I honestly did not think Esperanto was a real thing. I heard on a movie the name Esperanto but thought it was some made up term. However, this does not explain the outburst of a language I didn’t even know existed escaping my lips. Then I realize that it’s what is the equalizer of all things.
Death comes for everything. One moments existence between eternities of non existence. Today I was reminded of that as my step father who passed away a few years back came to visit me. He took over the room. The random shuffle on my echo speaker became Murray’s playlist. The smells in the air became breakfast with him and my mother. I heard his horribly annoying laugh and it brought joy to my heart. I saw his face smiling at me with tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. He raised a bottle of Canadian and I heard the words “Put aside anger, sadness, fears. Life is short so drink your beers!” It was followed again by his laugh.
From birth we are dying. So in the time we have, we should truly live. We all die someday so why wait to truly live?
Tonight I’m struggling. Too many people. Too many crosses through timelines. I can’t hold a thought. Pains through my body as I bounce between them. The barrier that separated the lives is fading. Bleed through of each life playing in my mind like a bad episode recap. The anxiety starts to riddle my body with tremors and pain. My heart races as I continue to slip out of control.
I recently had the realization that many of my past lives is just genetic memory. Those who walked before me took those moments and it really hit them as something important. Something they should remember. This makes me now worry that as I have no children of my own, will I not be able to return? Is this my last time coming back? Will the genetics of my only nephew carry enough genetic code to give me a chance? What if he has no children?
This is the shit that goes on in my brain constantly. As often as I try to ignore it, I get pulled back to this cycle of thought. I think that if that’s the case, maybe the next adventure is a tree. Since I realize I want to heal the earth, maybe I need to become a forest. Do I star planting those seeds now? Have this body be buried in the middle of that forest when it’s taken it’s last breath. My rotting body feeds the ground that feeds the trees. The earth one day will be able to breathe again. Those who live on after that will take steps to change.
Dream: Forced to return to my childhood home, I’m already feeling disappointed in my situation. Trying to settle in to get a nights rest, I feel deeply unsettled. Suddenly my mother bursts into my room accusing me of stealing. She’s yelling and throwing my stuff around. She takes my wallet that was sitting on top of my duffle bag. She pulls all my cash out of it and throws it on the floor. She stands over it and urinates on the pile of money. Disgusted and angry, I grab my bag and take my wallet from her hands. I yell at her that I never stole anything and I’m done with the abuse every time I come home. I tell her I will never come back and that she is no longer a part of my life. I walk out the door. Vowing to be completely cut from any ties to my family.
Waking: Looking at this dream this morning, I was confused by it. What was it I was it I was to take away from this? The false accusations of wrong doing by family? The disrespect and soiling of all my hard efforts and it’s pay? The walking away and disowning of my family? I’m not sure, but I seem to be feeling like I’m being forced into making a decision I don’t want to make. Forced to accept losing all my past. Maybe I need to let go and move on, but from what? Clearly it’s something from my past and my family.
Thoughts: Letting go of the past trauma that has shaped me to my current state is hard to do. It runs deep into your deepest corners of your mind. The journey to reach the trauma that deep, isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes acceptance, perspective, and time. It may never go away, leaving a scar on your soul. This now gives you a choice. You can either let it define you and hold you back, or wear it as a badge of honour. Remind yourself that you survived the trauma and are not letting it hold you prisoner any longer. You do that by letting go of the hate and fear it caused and filling that space with love and determination. Like a scar being covered by a beautiful tattoo. It’s still there, but now when you look at it all you see is something you love and brings strength to your heart.
A flash of me with two other men in a cabin it the woods, settling in for the night after a day of hunting. Nothing today, but tomorrow’s a different day. A bottle of whiskey gone already. I start singing from my spirit as the alcohol has set fire to my mind. Suddenly I’m looking up from the floor with my the other men are panicking. My chest feels like it’s been hit by a train. As things go dark.
So often I hear people talk about things like Murphy’s law or everything turns to shit. I learned a while ago it’s attraction and manifestation. If all your looking for is bad, you will find it. If you think everything turns to shit, it will. First I started negotiating the phrase be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. I found it stated changing how I look at things. Manifestations are just you putting out your intentions and drawing it to you through attraction. Sure 2020 sucked for the most part, but you had everyone being miserable about how shitty it was. I decided that this year I’m reigning in my focus. I’m only going to focus on my family here. Put my energy into what we are doing. I’m sure some will think I’m no longer caring or whatever about their stuff, but truly I don’t. I have my life and family to focus on. I’m going to get things fixed around here. I’m going to help my wife focus on her new business and health. My kids will get focused on their adult lives. No longer will I talk politics or war, poverty, racism. These are things out of my control. I’m aware how broken things are, but I’m fixing my shit. You need to fix yours.
This isn’t anger or frustration, but a reminder to focus on you and what’s important to you. Put your energy where you want it to go. The goddess of the hearth came to me last night and reminded me that to focus on our home. If I plant my intentions in my home, it will grow and bare fruit. So let’s start 2021 by fixing ourselves before we waste time fixing those who don’t want to change.
Much love and prosperity to you and your family in this new year
It’s clear that the holidays this year are not feeling so festive. People are feeling like the love and joy isn’t there. Bummed out folks missing their parties and family gatherings. While out today to grab a few last minute items and drop off cookie trays, I was overwhelmed the dark cloud surrounding so many. I don’t understand why it’s so miserable. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.
We have loved ones still. We can be thankful for those who are safe and sound. I’ve been doing soooooooo much better just by staying off social media. I don’t need facetagram to tell me there are a bunch of ignoramuses in the world. I like in rural Arizona. I’m surrounded by the racist, ignorant, ones still waiving their trump 2020 flags like he is going to magically stay president even though he lost.
I digress. Instead of giving that energy attention, I’m instead excited to have our 2 youngest home for holiday dinner. Spending time together. How awesome is it that we can have large video calls!? I can see my family in Canada 3000 miles away and tell them I love them. I can do the same for other loved ones in countries even further away. I’m blessed to have a day to tell my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them. Sure there are those who are no longer here. But I talk to them too. I light a candle for them and spend a few moments in meditation to send out my love and appreciation to my ancestors who have moved on. Really things could be a lot worse, but they’re not.
So pull the stick from yer arse! Raise a glass to those here and gone. Hug and kiss who you can. Tomorrow is a new day.
Remember that if you’re reading this, I love you too.
Have an amazing day.