The Thaw

It’s been a little crazy for me the past few months. I’ve been dealing with other people’s problems while trying to make progress with my own issues. I can’t stress enough how much one toxic person can make your life very difficult. Even though we sent them out of our home in September, we still had her in our lives daily. We were trying hard to keep her daughter safe, but now she’s back to that same environment and it’s no longer in our hands. I hold space for the child still but I no longer hold space for the adults in that relationship. I mean they’re 50 and 44. They should have grown up by now. I’ve asked the universe and the spirits to help guide the child through rough waters and comfort her when she’s weary. We have reclaimed our home and I will be doing a major cleansing this week to get the last of the bad energy out.

The holidays were very good. I got to share food, drink , and merriment with my community. I got to see my mother for the first time in 10 years. It was hard to have the visit, because we both have gotten older, and know the time together is more precious and few. While my mother is still the same battle axe she always was, I saw a new side of her. She got to spend time with our kids for the first time. She was sweet to them. She reminded she was a little reserved, but it was her first visit. It’s hard because our relationship has been strong, but tough as well. She, as most mothers, installed my triggers. There were only a few times though that those triggers were pulled in the visit, but I am a different person now. I recognize the queue, and take the time to not let it get me fired up. What I was unable to do was keep those triggers pulled by the unexpected people. I lost my cool in a Best Buy. I purchased a new blue tooth stereo for our oldest daughters car. It was to be installed by them as well. I showed up with receipt in hand and they refused to give me the merchandise. This was after I showed up to find the installer was half in the bag and the bay smelled like a brewery. The manager asked me to leave before he called the police. I told him to call the police. I had a receipt for goods purchased, and he wasn’t releasing said goods. I stormed back to the bay to find it locked. I knocked and no answer. I thought the installer was around the corner drinking more so I knocked harder on the door and broke the window. I couldn’t believe it. It was the reinforced glass that’s not supposed to break like that. The guy was in the bathroom and when I got inside I found he had already pulled the dash all apart. So now I’m just wanting to get out, but I have to wait for the guy to put it back together. I would not let him drive the car out of the bay because he had clearly been drinking. I left and was so out of sorts and worked up I spent a few days in bed from the stress. Now they want me to pay for the window and I still don’t have the stereo or installation I already paid for. So while I did very well keeping my cool while I was with mom, I had a very bad blow up in public.

The other stressor that came up is this ordeal in Iran. Our son is in the navy, and our president is starting wars. I don’t care what his supporters say, I have met the man and he is a first class piece of shit. That was long before his presidency. Now our boy was unable to be home for holidays. You expect that there will be times your military members will miss out, but in no way is it easy to accept. Especially when the president is launching air strikes and starting a war. You worry. Not knowing when you will see your child again or by the gods ever see them again. You just hold hope for your reunion and ask for their safe return.

There’s more to deal with as our old jack Russell terrier is almost 20! He’s not in pain, but he’s having the issues you expect from a 20 year old dog. I’m always with him. Cleaning after him, and comfortable. It’s not something you would find difficult, but it wears you down. I would never put a dog down because they’re causing an inconvenience. they are as much family as our own children.

Needless to say I’m tired. I’ve been tired. I feel tired and weak. Like a beat that missed hibernation. Very little time to rest however; because life still goes on. We still go on. I am not complaining. I live a fortunate life. I am blessed and loved. I have no needs keeping me from happiness.

I am, as always grateful for my life, and will continue to be better.

delusional thinking

It can drive you mad trying to help people who won’t help themselves. They ask for help, so you give it. Then the abuse takes over. They make no attempt to move forward. Everyday is another excuse. It’s never their fault. It’s always you that’s the problem or someone else who is making their life so hard. It wasn’t their fault they rolled the car on the interstate driving with a .19 blood alcohol level. It was the guy speeding by them. It isn’t their fault that their addiction and driving impaired that their daughter could have died, but instead only had a broken arm and now suffers PTSD. it’s not their fault that their relationship didn’t work. It’s the other person who was having a relationship with someone else who wasn’t abusing them emotionally. It’s not their fault they can’t get work. Instead it’s the employer and their ridiculous expectations of sobriety in the work place. It’s not their fault they’re homeless. It’s the people being unreasonable about letting you break the rules of the house and being upset about being attacked. I mean what’s the big deal if you smoke in their daughters room when they don’t allow smoking in the house. What’s the big deal? They are so unreasonable just because they had to throw our their daughters bed because you spilled booze and food all over it and it smells like a dirty ashtray. It’s not their fault they feel persecuted because the state they had the accident in and arrested them is now hunting for them because of their failure to appear for their court date. It’s only an aggravated DUI, and child endangerment cause. They will get there when they can, and the courts and police can just wait until they’re ready.

I might be a little facetious, but I can’t deal with narcissists and their bullshit.

Stop making excuses

Stop ruining everyone’s lives

Get your shit together

stop trying to paint everyone with a brush of deceit.

Life is as hard as YOU make it.

Today we drew the line that this person wouldn’t. we put her things out in the driveway and locked the doors. If they don’t pick their stuff up in 30 days, it’s going to goodwill and I will never deal with them again.

What the experience taught me is I can’t hold everyone to the same standard I held myself. I overcame my addiction and moved forward. I can’t expect those who would rather drown than accept help. It’s taught me that there are relationships that I need to let go of before they poison my well.

I pray that the universe shines a little brighter for those that are blind to their own decisions, so they can heal

Tracks in the snow

I’ve been spending a lot of time travelling around my memories. They flood over me whether I want to remember or not. Memories of cold wet socks, hot chocolate, bags of mixed fruit, and Christmas music. I remember going out in a field and trying to help my dad cut down a Christmas tree. My youngest brother wasn’t born yet. I remember coming home and feeling a little dead inside. Here it was almost Christmas, and I just felt sad and empty. The thing is I still didn’t understand my emotions let alone the confusion of being an empath. I helped decorate the tree in our little mobile home. I remember the only comfort I found was curling up under the tree and feeling calm. The smell of pine sap was potent. I would talk with what I saw as people in the wall. Or walls were the wood paneling that was everywhere in the 70’s. I remember all of a sudden seeing a memory of a young family. Living in a small log cabin. Mother and child bundled up by the fire while the father was out gathering more wood. He had been out hunting. He had a couple rabbits he caught hanging off a branch of a tree by the small cabin. They felt cold and hungry. After the last armful of wood was brought in, he grabbed the rabbits and finished cleaning them. He hands them to the woman and goes back outside. He had a concern over a noise in the trees. When he goes out he sees blood in the snow underneath the trees he heard the noise. There’s nothing he can see for tracks other than rabbit tracks that suddenly stop where the blood was. He looks up to find a large owl in the tree. The owl just watches him. He feels fear watching the bird. He hurried back to the cabin, to warm up. He tells his wife about the strange large bird he saw in the trees. He explains he never saw anything like it. It was huge and he said it made him feel like death was watching.

I’m awakened by my mother who tells me to go to bed. It was all a dream. I remember looking out my window at the snow on the ground. The yard seems bright between the moon and the porch light reflecting off the snow. I tell my friends in the wall about my dream then fell asleep. The next morning I wake up feeling better. No longer feeling empty.

Then I’m back to my childhood again. This time I’m in a Christmas parade in the town of lyndhurst. I was with my Boy Scout cub pack carrying a flag. Again wet cold feet are a thing. We finish the short parade and all of a sudden we’re at the Tye family’s place. We are all sledding and playing in the snow. Going in for hot chocolate and warming up.

Next I’m 12 and smelling electric fire. I run upstairs from my basement bedroom to find everyone is still asleep. There’s no fire but it’s coming. I frantically look for where it’s coming from. I find a Christmas light short that’s melting the wires and is wrapped around a wooden Santa Claus decoration. I unplug it and take it out the front door, but enter into another memory.

What’s the next one?

what I see-saw

5 on horses ride east. Winter has just arrived. Pine trees all around, blocking them from the cold winds. They ride for the balance. A war has been rising between 2 sides. While both sides gain distance the return pull gets harder to resist. The world would spin to chaos. So there are the few who sacrifice all to regain balance.

The shift in the earth is causing an uprise. Too many are wanting to fight. Just as many are hiding in fear. The heavy toll will be paid by those who serve the greater cause. Civil wars battle on, but these warriors are off to do what everyone else fails to recognize. There is always a duality. The problem is without a fulcrum, you have nothing to balance the sides with. They are the fulcrum.

Give and break

My head is being pounded like drum. Everyone gathers around pounding together. Non stop it continues. I’m pushed almost to the point of breaking. They stop for a moment, but my reprieve is short lived. They start again. Ever beating on my skin I feel I’m about to break. One grows tired and walks away, but another one take their place. There is no reprieve. I call out for peace and harmony, but they only harmony comes when they pound on me. Everywhere I turn I’m faced with another soul, beater in hand to take their turn.

I made the decision to help and they take too much every time. I transform back to bird form. I fly high back up the mountain. I leave them all behind, again. The owl prefers his space with his mate. He will stay there for a while. Maybe he will return, but nobody knows.

There’s no place like home for the holidays

Thanksgiving in America is upon us. The hectic energy of the upcoming holiday season is well underway. The grocery stores have become a derby zone of folks in carts crashing through the aisles racing to get the bags of potatoes for two bits, and the battles at the endcaps for the last cans of cranberry sauce. The freezer is like a loading belt of frozen turkeys going from the meat department worker who can’t feel their hands from the hours of loading the frozen foul, into the bins where the poultry pirates grab them twice as fast. Pumpkin pies are as scarce as the the cranberries. Messages of peace and joy are all over, going unnoticed while wrestling match in the deli department spills into bakery with the cries of hungry warriors looking to make their sandwiches.

This is all in preparation of the big battle. A day so filled with peril it’s been named “BLACK FRIDAY!”

The day has grown so crazed it’s taken and killed the evening before it, and the 3 days following. Every store becomes a battle ground. Food courts become a triage for wounded warriors who can recharge and rest between rounds. Cashiers from the stores work as teams to try to keep the carnage to a minimum. Security patrols run increased rounds trying as well to keep the madness from spilling over in the streets. Fat greasy corporations each the battle royale from afar, where they are clearly the only victors in the chaos. Hospitals become full of wounded, and there’s always someone who pays the ultimate price. Their body can’t take the constant battery of the stress brigade.

I stopped years ago. Now I get what I need weeks before. I stock my fortress with all the necessities so I won’t have to leave and risk life and limb for a can of cranberries. I head out with my family only when I know everyone else is busy licking their wounds at home.

Whispers and wishes

Floating down a river of green and red. Light reflects of the water. White light shines bright in your eyes. The sky flows pink, and purple, and orange with a yellow sun peeking from behind silhouette of a giant tree. Song’s of birds and the wind in the tall yellow grass, lulls you into a peace deeper than you have ever felt. On the air is a smell of grass, and sweet decay of fallen fruit. The warm breeze brings dandelion wishes and you watch them dance in the air. The sound of birds echos again off the water. Floating down the river, green and red.

Doing today, to better tomorrow

I want to talk about a nonprofit organization I am a member of. I recently shared about my getting a kick in the ass from the All Father himself, and the different pagan gods telling me to create a safe space for all pagans and those who just want to learn. Well this led me to my friend Kharma Lindsey. Her, and her circle had already started the process of starting up the same idea I was out recruiting for. This was the day I became a part of Pagan Perspectives AZ.

Pagan perspectives AZ is based in Prescott Arizona made up of pagan community members, artists, witches, healers, and shaman. We are working to bring the greater pagan community together in support of each other. Providing a place for people of all beliefs and backgrounds to share, teach, celebrate etc.

currently we are only doing 2 sabbats just because of the cost and work that goes into them. We will be doing more of course but for now we are doing Yule, and Midsummer. Yule is a potluck dinner being held at Collective Karma 450 W Goodwin St, Prescott Arizona. December 22nd from 4-8. There’s a sign up for dishes on our website pagan along with more information on us and what we do.

Midsummer this year was our first under the Pagan Perspectives AZ flag. We spent it in Skull Valley Arizona at Juniper Well Ranch. This beautiful place holds such great energy and magic. We have done gatherings before but this one was our first large event. We had community meals, camping, workshops, rituals, stories, drumming, hand tastings and more. It will be happening again this midsummer, and I promise to update with the details as soon as we work them out.

While most pagans tend to not have churches, we have the same rights as those churches of Christian faith. This means while for now we raise money to pay for the holiday events, we have bigger goals. Buying land to create a sacred sanctuary, or a community of tiny homes to assist with the homeless. Create scholarships for kids to go to college. Grants for projects to better the community. Rather than putting money into building another church or mega churches etc, we can use that money for something the community actually needs.

We look to have classes for those who want to explore a different path. We have support groups for empaths. Almost the entire board at pagan perspectives are empaths. We understand how hard it is to deal with the world and navigate those energies.

For those who want to explore witchcraft, we can have experienced witches share their experience and abilities to teach classes.

For those who want to know about past lives, or reiki, or whatever, we have people for you.

Need to unburden yourself of your woes, but don’t feel the church is for you? We have people who are trained counselors, or people who can just sit with you so you don’t feel alone. We have you.

We are not to be feared. We are here to help. We hold strong to our beliefs of karma, the rule of 3, and believe we all are beautiful pieces of stardust. We are all the true light in the darkness.

You are beautiful.

You are valid.

You are loved.

Visit us online at or on Facebook and instagram.

You can visit my pages on Facebook and instagram as well.

winter holidays: hum drums and haymakers!

I spent the morning out today. I didn’t hide, but I didn’t put myself out there for attention either. I walked as an every day dude just watching everything. The stress of the oncoming season is already starting. People are on high alert. Everyone is extra stressed. People are already putting on their battle armor just to get groceries. Everyone is becoming anxious about money. Cinnamon punches you in the face as soon as you walk into stores. The Christmas machine is already wreaking havoc on retail workers. It’s beginning to look a lot like SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’m not one of those people who wages war on Christmas. It’s always been a wonderful time for family and love and giving. Sure I think that the retail corporations should hold off until at least the second week in November before they set berating you with the Christmas decor. I do love the Yuletide. It’s a time that makes me feel happy to have been blessed with loved ones. Time spent together sharing food, and tales of our journey. Setting the intent for the next year. So to me it makes no sense to make yourself crazy. Santa’s coming yo! Go have the dancing sugar plum dreams and chill the fuck out. You might find you actually enjoy it more than you ever let yourself.

For me it’s easy. I love my wife and kids. They are my blessing every day. Sure I try to get gifts, but they will still love me if I didn’t get them the newest, coolest, most rad, thingamajig or prettiest of a whatchamacallit. I would love to see more families out shopping together for gifts. Make it fun. We did for the past three years, like a secret Santa. We drew names and that was all you had to buy for. It had to be at least $50 but no more than $100. Of course as mom and dad we ignored it and bought for everyone. Now we decided there’s no pressure or expectations. If they want to get gifts great. Also if they decided they couldn’t that’s fine too. No pressure. We instead go out to a movie and get Chinese food on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is just chill. At home watching the tube or whatever. I make some roast beast, and we sit and have a great dinner.

Thanksgiving is the same thing. Family and food. I don’t do the corporate thing of Black Friday shopping. I do understand sometimes family politics can set a bad taste, but here’s a secret. Nobody cares. If you’re invited, then you were loved enough to be thought of. If you’re hosting and someone falls into their drink, you can send them off. I mean it’s your house, your rules. Nobody will judge if you fucked up the turkey. If they do serve them tofu next time.

The point I’m trying to make is that there’s no reason to be so stressed. There’s no need to take out your frustrations on the kid making your deli sandwich. There’s no reason to get into a fist fight over a ‘thing’. Take a breath and look around. We’re all just trying too. The kid making your sandwich is doing the best he can in this busy world. Thank them. Wish them a happy holiday, or just “have a great day.” It means the world to them. Say thank you always. Be pleasant always. You can’t expect everyone else to be a ray of fucking sunshine, if you don’t even consider trying yourself.

birds and bears

The fire brings into focus the pictures playing in my mind. Deep inside, locked away is the source of pain that keeps the wheels moving. The shadows dance performing the play of our past. Demons of our past have snuck into the theater to wreak havoc for those who just want to see the show. The cold creeps up your back, letting you know the dark stuff is behind you. Facing the fire, heat is almost too much, but don’t turn away. You need this. This is your life story. Memories of your own mixing with echoes of someone else’s create a world that’s familiar and strange all at once. The spirits gather like moths to a flame. They add to the story.

I see a lot of people depressed. They sit at home afraid and beaten. I see the empty ones painting their faces and taking pictures of happiness that are manufactured coverups from their insecurities and fears of judgment. it’s a dark time. The veil is thin, so it heavily influences everything. Those who struggle with their existence are questioning less the consequences of getting off the bus early. People trying to make themselves feel happy by helping others, selling hope in a package wrapped in pretty bows.

Today the message came to me on the cry of a dove. In the cold of the crisp morning air, it feeds on the seeds and dried fallen fruit. In times weighed heavy with darkness, patience and strength are your staff and blanket. You’re given the tools to pull through your burdens. Keep focusing on what’s important. The shadows will always be there, but so will the fire.

There were other messages warning of false leaders and those that speak of peace and love, but that’s a mask to hide their insecurities and greed. Chose wisely who you put in your circle of power. Greed and power are strong forces that can corrupt the purest of souls.

The best advice came from the bear who said it’s time to fill your belly and ride out the winter. The fruit and fish will return again. Stay warm and safe with your loved ones.