I have been struggling for years with my mental health. I have withdrawn from social activities almost entirely. Tonight I removed all my socials from my devices. They were meant for me to still keep a connection to people that allowed me a level of comfort at an arms length. The thing is it was no longer comfortable. People who I developed relationships with and loved and respected got so into fighting amongst themselves and I can’t deal with it. It’s like when I was a kid and my parents were too busy trying to make each other look bad rather than focus on me and my brothers. We fell aside. Lost to the bullshit of pettiness between people who were supposed to be the adults. We were an afterthought at best. A father who wouldn’t fight enough for us and an abusive narcissistic mother who would beat us and make us feel less than human.
Here I am now almost 50 years old and I have no relationship with my family anymore. My brothers don’t talk to me. Parents who still think I’m a useless whiny child. I no longer have close friends really. A few I still talk with once in a while but like now. I’m sitting alone in a room writing down how empty I feel inside. How broken and useless I am. Physically unable to even provide basic care for myself on a daily basis. Mentally unable to comprehend why my life has turned into this mess. I won’t blame others. I am an adult and understand that my choices have brought me to this point.
Where do I go from here? Damned if I know. I guess like everything else in my life I just react to whatever comes. No matter what happens though, I know I won’t be prepared. I’ve never learned that lesson. I just continue through life wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes and toilet paper stuck to my shoe.
Snowy Owls House 