going outside in

I started to try going for walks recently. It’s difficult with no energy and legs full of clots and arthritis. I rely on a cane to assist the walking. While its good mentally to exercise, my body fights me every step of the way. Yes, I need the exercise for my physical health too, but I could do exercise more suited for my disability at home. It’s just not as stimulating mentally. My plan to get shade in the yard and a pool will help tremendously. However, that all takes money. That leads to my feelings of uselessness and depression that Is followed by anxiety. today’s walk was more difficult because we’re getting into warmer weather. The combination of the heat and sun wreaks havoc on my body with my autoimmune disease. I start feeling sick and tired. followed by body aches and a fever, but I still walk. I know I’m going to be sick for a few days after this, but still, I walk.

I get home and start to drink lots of water and immediately elevate my legs. I pushed it too much, but it was good. knowing full well I am not doing anything for the night, I pack a bowl and go outside to medicate and meditate. while i am relaxing I sit and listen to a friend who is online singing songs. Mikey From the band outside in is telling stories about his life and his music. I no longer am thinking about my problems. Instead, I am going on another journey with the group. The songs are sung differently and with a different purpose. I found myself happy to be lost in the story teller’s web. Simultaneously I feel other stories coming in. I try for my pen and paper, but my hands fail to grip them. I scribble down what I can and again find myself wallowing in self-pity yet again. I no longer feel that I am in the web. but on the ground with a head full of mangled webs and dust. Have I become another image of the aging person? The ones struggling with loss of something that’s too far away still to concern themselves with. Yes, it could be around the corner, but I don’t want to sound like some anecdote. “How can you live life if you’re constantly hiding in fear of it?”

I sit down in the chaise lounge with the sun setting beside me. still trying to write my thoughts. Again, finding metaphors all around me. Can the universe write a louder joke? I’m sure it can, but while I am depressed, I am laughing at the image of me complaining of getting old against the sunset. So let me now tell you that I am going to try to learn how to laugh. I know it sounds like a bizarre statement, but seriously I feel like I forgot. I need to laugh at myself. I need to laugh at the irony. because worrying about the destination ruins the entire journey. I focus on the evening air cooling down. The amazing colors of the Arizona sunset draw a calm smile to my face. The peacocks in the distance bring music again to my ears. They draw the picture together with the dogs conversing with the others in the neighborhood. the busy roads in the distance get muffled out by the mariachi music on someone’s radio down the street. The smell of a barbecue grill cooking meat fills the air and again i feel calm.

As the calm comes over me, I am visited by a couple hummingbirds. They greet me as they pull up for a drink. After a few moments they buzz by my head and pause to look at me showing a sign of appreciation for the food. I feel thankful for that moment. I feel accomplished. The ravens fly over and roost in the tree for a while. The peanuts I have put out for them every day have made them feel at home here. I notice one of them dropped something that falls to the ground heavier than a peanut shell. I walk over to find a shiny washer that looks like it was polished by course sandpaper on one side. This was a gift for the food. I look at them and say thank you. They caw in acknowledgment and then fly off again. Again, I feel grateful and accomplished. The sun sets lower and it’s getting dark.

I will see you tomorrow My friends.

Published by Snowy Owl

There was a lot more written here before. Then I saw it was irrelevant. I am just another person with an autoimmune disease and spectrum ”disorder” who is highly sensitive to their environment. I thought I would write a few things down, so here you go. Swim at your own risk!

One thought on “going outside in

  1. Beautifully written and an inspiring message. That glimpse of gratitude is your key out of your depression. Guard it closely my dear friend.


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