I realize a huge trigger of my anxiety is death. The finality of it. 25 years ago I danced with it frequently. A couple times it almost claimed me permanently. I tried changing myself to fit in even further. Still, no matter what I did I couldn’t care one way or another if I lived or died. Now after a deep breath and my mind bridging across new chasms i had the realization that my past lives are in fact just genetic memory. Something that tagged onto a part of the dna download that programmed this life. It makes you see why men try to control the narrative. They try to ensure they have offspring and preferably male. Someone long ago had this realization and shared it. And Ignorance and science had yet to discover the things like dna, evolution, etc. They ont understood their own survival instinct. Well as we move on something has to balance the scales. That same thing is still evolving. Viruses, diseases, genetic mutations, etc are all evolving too. So there’s no room in the future for those who can’t provide growth towards the bigger picture.
All I wanted was to be a dad. To look down and see a piece of me in them, a shape of a nose, eyes, hair, whatever. The problem is I have had no such luck. Mind you I was very fortunate to find my wife who had three beautiful children of her own and I have grown to love as my own. That has brought me some happiness, but there’s still that part of me that wanted one child with my DNA. come to find that no matter how many times I planted a seed, it would not bare fruit. It didn’t matter how plentiful my seed was, it lacked the part that made it viable. So now this line ends with me. It had nothing to do with what god I worship or anything other than I lack that code to go to the next level. So no further “reincarnation” or “rebirth” for me. When I die, I will be gone with the last electrical signals in my brain cease to flicker. My memory will only carry to the last generation of people I make any impression with. I will just be gone like a fart on the breeze.
This could be a good thing though. I mean I find my ways are no longer relavent. My way of thinking and acting is no longer needed. I may see the next generations failing too but the ones who are meant to continue, will. While I wish I could see what 100 years down the road looks like, a part of me is glad I can’t. I wouldn’t fit. I’d be like a wart on the nose of society.
So while I understand it’s easy for some to say “don’t dwell on things that haven’t happened yet. Be in the moment.” It’s hard when all you see is numbers and know your clock is winding down fast. The best I can hope for is to plant a tree and have my body be the food that makes it grow strong and tall.